“The best things in life make you sweaty.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
Until Saturday, the Third Eleven’s season had been a veritable feast of aesthetically pleasing football, seriously dated haircuts (Dolly), plenty of new faces, some much, much older faces (James Moss).
Last weekend posed an altogether different challenge and one which this upper-middle class Old Carthusian 3rd XI resiliently negotiated, courtesy of some quite brilliant individual performances.
On a greasy Northbrook surface Richard RUDDEN and his band of merry man-boys defeated their patently working-class opposition to register their fifth win in six games. It was sweaty work at times, certainly not as eye-catching as any of Dolly’s three sisters, nor like any of the 3s’ previous performances this season; but victory tasted sweeter because of it.
Minus Nick Wilkinson, who was last seen coercing a leggy Chanel model back to his newly refurbished flat, and Judge Moss’ favourite player – the conspicuously absent George Cobden-Ramsay - the back four and the sexually reinvigorated Jon Jenkins were outstanding throughout.
Having narrowly missed out on a threesome with two suitably sh*t-faced sisters the week before, like a rutting stag Jenkins stood tall amid the mayhem of countless goal-mouth opportunities by pulling off a plethora of impressive saves. More ill-advised sexual dalliances are sure to follow on the back of this stirring display.
In front of him, the girlfriendless Ben Ryder-Smith shrugged off his unpopularity with the opposite sex, by putting in his best performance of an already notable campaign; initially at right-back and then alongside the imperious James Carnegie Brown at centre-half. Our sturdy fullback’s desperation is palpable but so is his uncanny ability to snuff out the danger.
JCB is rapidly becoming one of the side’s most important players, to such an extent, one wonders if a reconciliation with his ex-girlfriend is on the cards? Dolly please advise.
The ever versatile Sam Spinks has made a seamless return to the setup following a fleeting hiatus in the J League and his performances in any manner of positions makes him a crucial member of RUDDEN’s starting eleven.
The fresh-faced trio of Buzz, Rob Carnegie Brown and in particular Toby Franklin, all impressed during what was a very physical encounter, adopting the kind of appetite and endeavour that has epitomised great 3s sides of the past. All three, alongside the absent but excellently named Danny Perera and the towering Adonis that is Ed Greensmith, have illustrated not only their excellent technical abilities but also a willingness to front up to some typically robust opposition. This virile quintet have already proved invaluable additions to the squad, and on behalf of the rest of the team I would like to say how much we are all looking forward to seeing Ed’s smoking hot sister.
Sam Henry George Parton was a model of consistency, not only making up for the obvious shortcomings of his very underwhelming, off-colour and progressively cantankerous midfield partner, but also surfacing as perhaps the most assured player in possession in an otherwise frantic match that lacked cohesion.
In any other season the goals and form shown by Mike Manches up front would have earned him man-of-the-match in almost every game played thus far. He is doing the unthinkable by confining Alex Fenton - aka the fella off the X-Factor according to the quite breath-taking Mrs Carnegie Brown - to distant memory. His movement, ability to hold the ball up and unwavering accuracy in front of goal has added a new dimension to the side and in the absence of the sorely missed Mark Jackson, he is filling the void and some. That being said and despite two more goals to his lengthening tally, the extracurricular activities of he and RUDDEN prior to kick-off leaves a lot to be desired.
Special mention must go to the jowly duo of James Kibbey and Adam Dolman. Looking a little fluffier around the edges following a year of marital bliss (with their wives rather than each other), these two elderly bastions of yesteryear turned back the clocks with a timely reminder of their enduring qualities.
For those unfamiliar with the two returning veterans, no one has had more of an impact on the lasting ethos of the 3rd XI and encouragingly for everyone involved, their fine legacies are being continued by RUDDEN, who has emerged from their shadows as an inspirational and authoritative captain, which is one of the "most profoundly...soundest and utterly delightful things". This team will flourish under his stewardship.
James Kibbey announced his return to the fold with a quite splendid half volley that nestled beautifully in the far corner. His finish was met with ebullient and tactile celebrations, which has not always been the case this season. Let’s make sure we all touch each other a lot after we score goals. We have not spent the last seven seasons cultivating a commendably homoerotic reputation by being conservative and standoffish, which brings us nicely to last season’s double-winning captain.
Adam Dolman was majestic and it was arguably his finest performance in an OC shirt. Freed from the burden of captaincy and buoyed by “regular sex”, Dolman belied his reputation for being a bit sh*t by emerging as the standout performer on a day when a number of players were outstanding. Underneath that uniquely ridiculous haircut is a footballer of heart and courage but really this applies to all of you.
It was not our finest team performance by any means but on a taxing day RUDDEN’s new look side fronted up to a difficult challenge and won the hearts and minds of the near full-capacity four-man crowd.
[949 words: pay peanuts, get monkeys]
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